Sometimes, neighbors can suck

Okay, we’ve recently gotten some new neighbors. But, as of this present time…they’re really not making a good showing. They seem to be rude, obnoxious and just all around unpleasant to be around. To add insult to injury, they knocked my internet access out when they were getting there cable, “fios” or whatever installed. So, blogging options were quite limited. I mean, the evidence is all around. But whatever…until they’re proven of that. I won’t hold them to it.

But, I will hold them to being annoying and pretentious.

Ass whupping on Aisle 7!

by John M. Ellison IV

I remember a few years ago, I was doing some late night grocery shopping, and saw two cops addressing a disturbance in the store. It seemed that there had been a fight between two guys in the back of the store. From what I pieced together, the disagreement between the two guys was about something that they were both trying to shoplift at the same time! The argument escalated to, “you wanna take this out back?” Whenever that phrase “you wanna take this outside” is uttered, just know, nobody wins.

So, to get a closer look, I looked through the window of the double doors in the back of the store and saw a guy on the floor being interviewed by the cops, (this was not a good look), and the other guy was on the floor groaning like Master P.

I mean, dude was face down, legs sprawled out. Pretty much looked like Glass Joe from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! (I’m old school, man. 8-bit gamer old school.)

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I noticed the other cop had the other dude in hand cuffs, I’ll call him “Glass
Bro”), and was escorting him from the store. The weird thing was, it wasn’t like
there was malice between the cop and the guy because as the cop escorted the guy out of the store
in handcuffs, they were talking like they’d known each other for years. For both of them, it appeared
that it was all in a day’s work …

I can’t make this crap up.

Crazy Mofo’s on Aisle 5!!!

by John M. Ellison IV

In the dairy section of a grocery story in Silver Hill, Maryland, there was this woman in about her mid-40’s who was talking loudly. I really paid no attention until I heard her say, “yeah I know how to do it good!” Well, that could have meant almost anything, but her inflection made it sound like she was being naughty. As I reached for another cup of yogurt, I focused more on her loud remarks than the new Carmel flavored yogurt I’d been hankering to try. At a glance, I could see that she was talking to these clerks who were stocking the dairy section, they were just a few feet from me. At first, it seemed amusing, flirting with the two young clerks, about half her age.

One named Damien and the other who’s named started with an “R” so I’ll just call him “Ronald”. Just the regular flirtatious remarks like, “See, I can’t make no love to no big man! I need me a skinny brotha like you!” Then, she talked about how she wanted to be a comedian, and how she would be all up in Simon Cowell’s face and more and more grandiose chattering continued. Damien started to inch away, while her back was turn and made his exit smoothly, but, this woman was focused on “Ronald”, and he did the gentlemanly thing, and listened to her while slowly moving away from her.

Damien stood peeking around the corner of a nearby aisle, laughing at how Ronald was trying to get away.
As this woman talked, I noticed that before she ended one thought, she bounced onto a different thought and then another, it was reminiscent of the “bing” commercial jumping on a vary of subjects with the frenetic pace of a black female Robin Williams.

Then she got onto Religion…you can almost hear the “uh oh.”
She started with a chattering of onto the sounded like the encouraging stock phrases such as “I only serve one King!”, “Jesus is the light!” She walked off from “Ronald” and started talking to this other woman who was kind enough to listen. I noticed Ronald and Damien talking about the ordeal. The gist of it was “I don’t have anything against it, because she was telling the truth. But, I’m working right now.” Damien said.

“Don’t you think it was weird how she jumped from sex, to religion within, like 60 seconds?” Ronald mentioned. Then, she came back and started getting vocally more intense about her faith and beliefs with this another shopper. She was getting louder and louder, might as well say “preaching.” Okay, before security appeared and more of this escalated, I rolled out.

I can’t make this up! And, oddly enough, the guy named Damien had a cross necklace on. Let that sink in…

Channel Surfing Might Induce Flashbacks

by John M. Ellison IV

I was channel surfing and the “Mom and Pop Store” episode of Seinfeld was on. There were a few good “Midnight Cowboy” references in it. But, that’s what this isn’t about.

This reminded me of when I was in 4th grade and I had a baby tooth falling out and a busted finger from getting my finger caught in the door from the previous week. I remember being in my room and I was channel surfing and feeling low due to not being able to draw because of my at the time busted finger.. I noticed Seinfeld was on. I’ve never really watched Seinfeld before then. I didn’t see the whole episode, but, I caught the credits of it. It was the end of the episode and you had Kramer and Jerry on a bus parodying the end scene of “Midnight Cowboy.” The dialogue was…

With a busted finger and a loose tooth, I could relate to that scene.

Anyway, I remember being in lunch period and I was sitting next to this girl. I can’t remember who she was or if we were even in the same class, but I made a reference to that episode with the line “I’m falling apart!”
Naturally, she didn’t get the joke. Moral of the story…I have no idea.

Something that amuses me…

When I was on my road trip to Texas with my mom and sis, my sister was talking to her then co-worker name Christian. He asked the question “Where y’all headed?” My sister replied ‘Dallas,TX” his response “Holy Fuck! You’re driving?!” I dunno, something about a guy name Christian saying “Holy Fuck” is just …great.

My Admiration For “The Tough Girl

When I was growing up, I was and still surrounded by strong women. When I say strong, I mean strong in spirit, strength and just that energy which is indefinable, but, you hope to get that energy and have that motivate you to get shit in gear. My mom is the toughest woman I know. I mean, I remember somewhere in the mid 2000’s in December. My mom, sis and my “God sister” “K” (we’ll call her “K” for legalities) and I were decorating the Christmas tree in the living room. It was a fun atmosphere, just a good vibe. There wasn’t a ladder so we were climbing on furniture. Near the Christmas tree, there was a glass coffee table …you can see where this story is going.

So, my mom lost her footing and feel directly into the middle of the glass table. To described what this looked like, look up the “Mick Foley vs. ‘Taker Hell In A Cell Match ‘98.”

“K”, sis and I were struck aghast and rendered motionless in shock. But, my mom said, not with pain but a mixture of being annoyed and humor “Would one of y’all help me up!” For a few weeks after that and still to this day I call my mom “Mom Foley” referring to instances such as that. But regarding my mom, I’ve barely scratched the surface about her.

I have an admiration for women that are considered athletic and all around tough…but still are graceful and have a soft side to counter balance that “hardcore edge.” Knowing that, I have an admiration for female athletes such as Awesome/Amazing Kong, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, Jazz (female wrestler from the old school ECW) Venus Williams and Serena Williams and many others who‘s names escape me, but I respect there work. So, when it comes to it, this post is my ode to “The Tough Girl.”