A Christmas Story Redux by John M. Ellison IV

A Christmas Story Redux by John M. Ellison IV

As far as I remember, I guess for about a good ten years, either TNT or TBS has played the 1983 holiday classic “A Christmas Story.” The movie is mainly about a kid name Ralph (or called “Ralphie” throughout the movie) growing up in 1940’s Indiana and his coveting of a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas. Naturally, his mom and many of the other adults in the film see the danger in him having a BB gun with most of them uttering the immortal line “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

Anyway, TBS plays “A Christmas Story” for 24 hours starting at Christmas Eve at 8 pm. I was on IMDB looking at various comments about this film; one member of IMDB wasn’t clear with his post, but it basically hinted that Tim Burton should direct a remake of this movie.

The post was good for a laugh, but then I thought “…y’know, what if there’s a remake of this film but paints are darker picture?”

So, here a few things that I would expect to see in a modern and slightly darker version of “A Christmas Story”:

The dad would be a less lovable but still charming gruff guy, kind of like the “Kenny Powers” character on “Eastbound and Down.”

The mom would be on Xanax, Valium and every other anti-anxiety medication to stop worrying so much and be in a flighty, diaphanous haze throughout the movie.

The little brother, Randy…would still be an annoying shit.

Flick would’ve needed a tetanus shot after getting his tongue stuck on that pole. But nobody would feel as bad for him because of him being stupid enough to lick a flagpole in winter…

“Ralphie” would’ve came back to school with the Red Ryder BB Gun for payback…but while shooting, the pellet would’ve ricocheted and he would’ve ended up shooting himself in the ass. But, charges wouldn’t have been pressed because of the humiliation.

“Scut Farkus” and “Grover Dil” would have a total “bromance” and act tough to show they’re not “queers.”
When “Ralphie” beat the crap out of Scut, Scut’s parents would’ve sued him for assault.

The Mall Santa would’ve had spikes on his boots and vodka on his breath and making crass comments about the kids. Also, the dude dressed like an elf would have “serious leather.”

The Wizard of Oz sub-plot would be out and would be replaced by Harry Potter or Twilight.

*looking around the room* I admit, kind of random, but that’s how I would imagine a darker, more modern version of “A Christmas Story.” Happy Holidays.