Crazy Mofo’s on Aisle 5!!!

by John M. Ellison IV

In the dairy section of a grocery story in Silver Hill, Maryland, there was this woman in about her mid-40’s who was talking loudly. I really paid no attention until I heard her say, “yeah I know how to do it good!” Well, that could have meant almost anything, but her inflection made it sound like she was being naughty. As I reached for another cup of yogurt, I focused more on her loud remarks than the new Carmel flavored yogurt I’d been hankering to try. At a glance, I could see that she was talking to these clerks who were stocking the dairy section, they were just a few feet from me. At first, it seemed amusing, flirting with the two young clerks, about half her age.

One named Damien and the other who’s named started with an “R” so I’ll just call him “Ronald”. Just the regular flirtatious remarks like, “See, I can’t make no love to no big man! I need me a skinny brotha like you!” Then, she talked about how she wanted to be a comedian, and how she would be all up in Simon Cowell’s face and more and more grandiose chattering continued. Damien started to inch away, while her back was turn and made his exit smoothly, but, this woman was focused on “Ronald”, and he did the gentlemanly thing, and listened to her while slowly moving away from her.

Damien stood peeking around the corner of a nearby aisle, laughing at how Ronald was trying to get away.
As this woman talked, I noticed that before she ended one thought, she bounced onto a different thought and then another, it was reminiscent of the “bing” commercial jumping on a vary of subjects with the frenetic pace of a black female Robin Williams.

Then she got onto Religion…you can almost hear the “uh oh.”
She started with a chattering of onto the sounded like the encouraging stock phrases such as “I only serve one King!”, “Jesus is the light!” She walked off from “Ronald” and started talking to this other woman who was kind enough to listen. I noticed Ronald and Damien talking about the ordeal. The gist of it was “I don’t have anything against it, because she was telling the truth. But, I’m working right now.” Damien said.

“Don’t you think it was weird how she jumped from sex, to religion within, like 60 seconds?” Ronald mentioned. Then, she came back and started getting vocally more intense about her faith and beliefs with this another shopper. She was getting louder and louder, might as well say “preaching.” Okay, before security appeared and more of this escalated, I rolled out.

I can’t make this up! And, oddly enough, the guy named Damien had a cross necklace on. Let that sink in…